The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
They have beer where we have blood.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
