I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My balls are so social today.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
