His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
