That reminds me...we need to get swords
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
