i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
