remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
