I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
