goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
