i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
