God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
