There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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