my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
