a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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