I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
