i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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