theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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