I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I have feelings that need drinking.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
