What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
