I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
