Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
