my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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