This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
