Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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