Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
