Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize