i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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