Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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