I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Randomize
