Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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