saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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