There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
