So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
