It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Barsexuality is the new black.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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