Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
