i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
