We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
