I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
