I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
