I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I deserve this hangover.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
