Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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