I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
