Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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