Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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