I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
