One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
