Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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