if we break up, who will get the dealer?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I could fuck to npr.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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