I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
