It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
