There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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